Forever Weak, Forever Strong
by Rattlin666666
Summary: Sam POV. Set during Harrison's Leukemia, an exploration of what Sam went through during his battle, and her private battle within. Please RR!
1. Chapter 1

A short story about Sam's internal struggle during Harrison's battle with Leukemia. Kinda dark. Read through it all!

Note: This short story is to be part of a larger story arc I'm writing. It will be published as a series of short stories, which function fine as standalones, but which when taken together will create a deeper story. Cheers!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. It's for fun baby!

* * *

He lies on the hospital bed, oh so still. Barely moving. If I wasn't holding his wrist, feeling the blood pump through his vessels, I would swear he was dead. I want to cry. I want to just hug him and never let go. But I hold back, and I don't know why. 

I hear a knock at the door, and turn to it. Brooke is standing there. She gives me a little wave.

"Is it ok? If I come in that is?" she asks nervously. She knows how much I like my alone time with him.

I nod. "I… of course." I scoot up on the bed, but she just pulls over a chair. She maintains a distance from Harrison whenever I'm around. As if she doesn't want to make me feel threatened. I guess it's nice of her, but I'm not threatened. Harrison and I, our bond will never be broken, not by anything. He's like a brother to me.

"He looks so peaceful," Brooke comments softly, gazing at his face. I look at his face. Really look at it. I've been avoiding looking at him. Because I see what she can't. She sees peace, and that is true, there is peace there. But there is more. So much more. It eats me up inside.

"He… this last treatment." I choke up. I want to cry again. I want to just crawl into a hole and cry myself to sleep. But I can't. I have to be strong. Harrison needs me. He needs my strength, as he has been mine so many times before. Well damn it I won't let him down now.

Brooke takes my free hand and cups it gently. "Sam… it's gonna be ok. Harrison is strong. He's fighting an amazing fight. And you've been incredible for him. You spend more time here then everyone else combined. I know how much you mean to him, and him to you."

I can't respond. My throat has locked down. But still, I cannot cry. Still I cannot get the release I so desperately need. Since I first took him to the hospital, I have been unable to cry. I've felt so emotionally numb. I think Brooke can sense that I am falling. She spends time here as well, not nearly as much as me, but still a lot. I think that if George were around, he'd notice me too. But he's away. Had been away for the past week, and would be for the next 2 weeks. It was for his football career, and I didn't want my weakness to stand in his way, so I hid it from him.

"You're the rock in his life, and you're the reason he's made it this far. But Sam. You need to look after yourself. You can't keep going like this."

I know she's right. I barely sleep at nights, and I rarely eat. I toss and turn. And even when I do sleep, the dreams… nightmares are worse. I only eat when I have to, and most of that I throw up. I want to agree with her, I want to sleep, I want to eat, but… at the same time, I just won't let myself.

I can't lose another person I love.

Brooke continues, despite my non-response. I just stare at her, lost in thought. "You haven't cried. You haven't showed emotion about this. You're always there for Harrison, and he's leaning on you heavily. But… there are others. We can shoulder some of it. You don't have to take it all."

Finally I find my voice. "I… I have to help him. I have to do whatever he needs from me. Be there…" I sob. "Be there for him. As he has been for me. I can't fail him."

Brooke regards me steadily, nothing but compassion in her eyes. She must think I'm so weak. Harrison needs me, and I fall to pieces. I feel myself being pulled into a hug, as Brooke embraces me warmly. I squirm to escape. I don't want to be comforted for my failure. But she just holds me tightly, not relenting, not letting me escape.

"It's ok Sam. You aren't failing him. You aren't failing anyone. You're like his guardian angel, watching out for him, guarding him. You have been absolutely perfect." She takes my shoulders firmly in her hands as she puts me back to arm length.

"I… this is just like my dad. I don't know if Harrison is going to make it. I'm so scared. If he… I just…" I stop. I don't know what I would do… who I would be. "I don't know what to do." She pulls me tight again, and I stop fighting her as I feel the dam burst. Suddenly I'm crying, hard. It all just comes pouring out, all my pent up emotions. I go limp, and just fall into her. She staggers but holds steady after, and merely whispers to me, telling me it will be alright. That everything is going to be ok. And here, in my sister's arms, I believe her. That for once, perhaps the future isn't as horrible as I fear.


	2. Chapter 2

It's been a week since Brooke pulled me up. She saw I was falling, and stepped in. I will love her forever for that. She ensured that I could be there for Harrison. Anytime he draws on me, he's drawing from her too. Since that week, I've been able to sleep, and returned to regular eating. No one else knows about my breakdown.

I munch on breakfast as she comes in. We talk, but I'm only half paying attention as I search for a job, a way to get Harrison the clubs he wants to badly. I find one, and cheerily explain it to her, as I notice she barely eats. I frown, but don't make an issue of it, not wanting to push her away when I need her as Harrison needs me.

I make the call for the job, and thankfully I get it. I'm thrilled as I feel genuine joy course through me. For the first time in so long. One step closer on my journey to help him.

* * *

The nightmare has gotten worse. Now Brooke is in the hospital, suffering a relapse. I know that Harrison played a part in it, but I can't blame him. He spoke the sad truth, what Brooke had been hiding from herself and us.

It was just unfortunate it was now. Just when things are looking up, they come crashing down. The money for helping Marry Cherry is being wired over, and although we finished 2 days ago, it could be a week before she actually gets it to me I fear.

Now, I have to find a way to be there for Harrison and Brooke. I know Brooke will not consciously seek to take any strength from me. She wants to protect me, to let me help Harrison. But I know she will subconsciously. I don't think I have the strength to help them. Brooke has become the anchor in my life, and now she is being washed away. I pray I won't drown in the wake.

As I enter Harrison's room, I wave a quick hello to Clarence. He's a nice guy, and though Harrison didn't like him much at the start, he's beginning to get along with him great. Right now Clarence looks pretty beat, so I don't say anything. I don't want him to have to speak. However, Harrison's bed is empty. I assume he's off getting another treatment, it's been like this a number of times.

I sit down on a nearby chair, daydreaming. About all the fun times I've had with Harrison. About all the great things I'll do with him when he's better. I swear to god, that if Harrison gets better, I'll pay more attention to him. I won't dismiss him as I have been lately due to George. George is great and all, but my link with Harrison is forever.

He gets wheeled in, in a wheelchair, visibly reeling. I'm surprised he's in a chair and not on a gurney, as Nurse Dan has to pick him up and move him. He's barely conscious. I rush over to help, in any way I can. I've gotten to know the male nurse quite well. He's an excellent man, and I'm glad he's been here for Harrison. A better nurse I couldn't think of.

When he's safely on the bed, Dan puts his hand on my shoulder, and then moves out of the room. I climb onto the bed.

"Harrison?" I whisper quietly.

His eyes slowly open. "Are…are…are you an angel?" he asks slowly and painfully. I feel my eyes well up. I'm not sure if he's joking or not.

"No I'm not. Harrison. It's Sam. You know me?"

"Sam… Sam is an angel. Did you know that? Best person in the world," he gets out slowly, clearly in a daze, not knowing who I am. I laugh a little, as I feel tears spill down my frozen cheeks.

"She's only trying to show what you've shown her," I reply to him, speaking in the third person. But he's already gone, having left the conscious world.

I hear a sob from the door, and turn to it. I see Mrs. John crying, and I immediately rise and go to her. "Mrs. John. I'm sorry. I didn't see you there," I get out, trying to stop myself from crying more.

She just shakes her head as she collects herself. "Don't be sorry Sam. You are all that's keeping him anchored right now." I don't say anything, merely reach out to her, as tears keep spilling out. "You were wrong you know," she continues. I look at her weirdly. "About being an angel. You're his angel." The tears are now coming full force, and I pull her close to me, as she does as well.


	3. Chapter 3

The Golf clubs are heavier then I expected. It's a pain getting them over my back, but I manage it as I exit onto Harrison's floor. I'm looking forward to surprising him. To seeing the joy on his face when he sees them. I see it so rarely from him now.

I nod at a few of the regulars as I walk through the hall. I smile at a few, one even stops me, telling me how great I am. I tell him it's nothing, and he just smiles deeply at me. Even though I'm not here for them, it seems I bring these patients happiness, and I'm glad. I know that Harrison is having a good week, his chemo hasn't been bad at all and he's almost always himself.

I round the corner, and see Harrison slamming his hand onto the elevator as it shuts before turning and pulling his hands up to his eyes.

"Harrison?" I ask questioningly, suddenly fearful. What could have happened? Something is wrong, I can sense that.

He turns to me, slowly, painfully, as he drops his arms. His face look like he's in shock, and then the pain starts to spill out. From his eyes, his whole face, his entire body language. His face drops and he's about to cry.

All other thoughts vanish from my mind as I drop the clubs. "What's wrong?" I say stupidly. What sort of a question is that? Everything is wrong. The damn world is wrong.

I run over to him as he looks like he's about to collapse. I pull him tightly to me, trying to erase the pain, the hurt. He slowly grasps at me, perhaps wondering if I'm really there. Then he grips me tightly and refuses to let go. Not that I would ever let him go if I could. I'd hold him forever.

He starts to shake as he sobs and cries. I ignore my own feelings, shoving them down and refusing to cry when he needs me. When he needs me to be strong. I won't let him down. No matter what. Here for him forever.

I stroke his hair as I slowly feel him calm down. He's regaining control. But still, we stand here. The moment drags on. Finally, after what must have been over a minute, a nurse beckons us to move, as she needs the elevator.

I still don't let go as we move. Never.

* * *

Harrison is drifting from me. Slowly, he has stopped drawing on me for everything. At first, it hurt. I feared that I had been letting him down, that he didn't need me. But finally I think I get it. All the little things he has said when I'm around. It all sort of added up.

He's my best friend, and always will be. And he loves me as I love him, as brother and sister would. I guess he finally realized how heavily he had been drawing upon me, that I was being crushed under him and Brooke. And that my other friends need me too. So instead, he turned to Brooke, and Brooke eagerly accepted it, turning to him as well. Now they drew strength from each other, and the load was considerably lessened.

Thank god, because now it seems as though Lilly and Josh have problems. And somehow, as always, it's me who's left to pick up the pieces. Well, I'll do it. I always do.

Still, my thoughts drift back to Harrison. I can't help it. He's freaking out over Clarence, scared shitless, and so am I. I don't think Harrison has thought far ahead. About what would happen if Clarence doesn't make it. He can't face that. But I can. I have too. I must be prepared.

I hope that what I fear never happens. I hope that Clarence makes it through, as Harrison needs him as much as he needs anyone else. But I know that the chances are low. No… when Clarence passes, Harrison will be crushed. I pray he doesn't retreat fully from the world, retreat from me, from his friends. For I know him. I know people. A crushing blow like that can shake your faith.

I sigh as I think back to my father. The loss of him had flattened me. I'd been a walking zombie for the next 6 months, barely able to think straight. I had pushed everyone away, even Harrison and my mom. My mom tried to break through, but she too had her own grief to deal with, and just couldn't help me.

But Harrison… Harrison was right there for me. He never gave up on me, even when I had given up on myself. He pushed me, he kept me afloat, kept me from…

I turn from those dark thoughts. He was my guardian angel. When his mother had told me that I really was his angel, I had just wanted to scream STOP. Don't give me credit for what I don't deserve. This… giving to Harrison is simply self preservation. Without him I don't know what I'd be. Not the person I am today. Not the person I will be in my future.

I can't live without him.

* * *

I found out from Brooke that she went skateboarding with him and Clarence in the basement of the hospital. At first I was furious. How could she let them go down there, in the state they were in? Then I saw Harrison. He was so happy. It had given him strength that I couldn't imagine he would ever have again, and I instantly calmed. Clarence was back in the room, still sick as hell but stable mostly. Harrison spent most of his time in the room with him. The chemo was getting harder on him again, and he was having trouble. But he didn't need me as before.

It's almost Christmas. I had my marrow tested to see if it will help him, as did Brooke. We're spreading the word, trying to get everyone we possibly can to help him find a match. The doctor calls me, saying that I don't match. I feel like I've failed him. I know it's not my fault, but I can't help think it.


	4. Chapter 4

"Sam." I turn to my mom, as I brood on the couch, doing homework. Or at least pretending to. It's too hard to concentrate. She walks slowly up and sits down next to me. I suddenly grow fearful. She had bad news, I can sense it. "Honey. I just talked to Mrs John."

I look past her, to the wall. I know what she's going to say before she says it. "Clarence?" I ask softly. I'm surprised at how strong my voice is.

My mom seems startled, but she just nods. "He… passed away last night."

I take a deep breath. I'm prepared, right? I'm ready for this. I try to stand, knowing I have to go to him, but find I just don't have the strength.

I start to cry, falling back on the couch hugging myself. Instantly my mom is there, trying to comfort me. She knows I'm not crying over Clarence. Not that I'm not sad that he passed, but I'm crying because of what it will do to Harrison.

She hugs me tightly, whispering it's going to be ok. She tells me that he'll get through it, that with my help and others he'll make it.

But I know that's wrong. I'm not strong enough. I'm frozen here. Unable to go to him. I can't help him. I pray the others have the strength to save him. Perhaps Brooke can, now that she's out of the hospital.

* * *

Brooke pushes me softly as we stand outside his room. With her touch, I find the strength to enter, pushing the hamster cage in before me. These past days have been hell. He has, as I feared, pushed us all away. He still speaks to us, maintains… cordial relations I suppose. But no one can get close.

I smile at Harrison, all personal fears forgotten in his presence, as I put on a show. Whatever he needs from me.

Brooke laughs beside me joyously. She has the strength I wish I had. "We got the habitat at an antique shop."

I jump in. "The best part is, we got 8 of the little furballs, and named them after each one of your friends. That way, you can look over, and when your friends aren't here, in a weird way, they are." I shock myself with my voice, but cover it up. There is strength and warmth in it. He laughs, and it was all worth it. Everything that I've gone through these past days.

Brooke continues beside me. "Harrison umm." She sits down on the bed, as do I on the other side. "Neither of us is a bone marrow match, but we haven't given up hope."

"We put up flyers, and we created a website. We're gonna find someone." I say that last statement with as much force as I can, as if saying it will make it true.

I see him slowly scan the names of the hamsters. Suddenly I feel him turn cold to us. "Where's the Clarence hamster?" My heart leaps into my throat. I can't believe we didn't buy one for him. I know how much he meant to Harrison. I look to Brooke, see her grin has faltered as well

"He's my friend too," he says, hurt. I groan. "Right. He's gone, and, instantly forgotten. When people die, it's just like, they were never here. It's inevitable, isn't it?"

I want to cry. We're pushing him further away instead of helping with the hamsters now.

"Harrison we're sorry. We will go out right now and get a Clarence. K?" I ask, hopefully but dreading his response. But he's already shut us out. I don't even hear his reply, as I know what it is. What it means. The roaring in my ears has returned, and I know the tears want to jump up, but I hide them.

I rise and follow Brooke out of the room, falling into her and crying once out of earshot, as she holds me tightly. Just as I have recovered, and have released Brooke, her having been crying as well, I suddenly feel this cold dread spring into my heart, into my very soul and body. Something is wrong, very wrong.

"Harrison," I say under my breath and turn from Brooke, breaking into a sprint.

She calls to me. "Sam!" I hear the clatter of her shoes following me. "Stop, Sam."

I ignore her. The nurses look at me oddly as I burst into his room, but he's gone. Gone. Brooke comes in after me. "Sam?" I'm crying again, and don't answer. She realizes he's not here. "He probably just went for another treatment."

I hear a wheelchair roll in, and see Nurse Dan bringing it in, empty. "Ok Harrison, time for your treatment… Harrison?" he asks questioningly. He looks at the washroom, but it's empty. Then he turns to me, sees me crying. "Where is he?" he asks, but it's not accusatory, as it should be.

I break down crying more, just sitting on his bed. Brooke speaks for me. "We… he was just here."

"It's my fault. I forgot the Clarence hamster," I burst out. Dan looks at me weirdly, then he sees the hamster habitat. But he doesn't say anything about it.

"I'm going to look for Harrison. He can't have gotten far." He turns and exits.

Brooke sits down by me. "It's not your fault Sam." I don't answer. "We… just forgot. It's not your fault anymore then it's mine. It was a simple mistake."

I look at her, my vision blurred from the tears. "You're not his best friend. He hasn't been there for you when… when… and then I let him down when he needs me," I sputter out.

She must be getting sick of me saying these things. She doesn't deserve this from me. She had her own problems. But she just hugs me closely. "Shhh. Sammy, no. You're not letting him down. He would never have made it this far without you. Let it out. Let it all out."

I feel safe. I feel comfortable now. She accepts me despite my failures. Who would have thought, that I would feel just as safe in my sister's arms as my mothers?

But who am I to take solace from her. Harrison is the one who is dying, not me, and he's handling it better then I am. With that thought, I clutch her harder, and break down again.


	5. Epilogue

As I look back on Harrison's Leukemia's treatments, I feel my sense of failure begin to lift. He's finally better, saved by Nicole of all people. I would do anything for her right now. She lifted Harrison from the depths, and by extension, me.

I was a coward during the treatment; I had to admit to myself. Not because I failed him. I see now I didn't, except insofar as I failed myself. No, it's because I refused to face my own demons, instead focusing upon others demons, Harrison's demons. It's far easier to face other people's demons then fight your own.

Nobody saw my weakness save for Brooke and my mother. Not even Harrison saw the extent. I hid it away. It could have killed me, and it damn near did. I wish that I could say I would take a lesson from this, but I won't. I know myself well enough to know that. I'll still wrap it all up inside.

Perhaps one day, I will be able to face my own demons, but not today. I'm not strong enough. Until that day, I will never show the weakness to the world. Forever showing my hard shell of strength.

Forever weak. Forever strong.

* * *

**Authors Final Thoughts**

I really enjoyed writing this piece. It was darker and grittier then my norm, and I rather enjoyed it. A bit on the emotional side but it fit well, and it had an interesting theme. First, there's the explicit statement made about Sam's character.

But there's another theme/idea underlying the whole story, one that's hidden a bit more then I would have liked. It's open to interpretation by the reader, similar to my other popular fic, and if you pick up on it, please review with your insight, I like to hear other people's insights into that sorta stuff.

Finally, this fic might not follow the correct timeline of the 3 episodes this is over. I watched the 3 episodes, and found the timeline was subjective and not relatively realistic, so I modified it a bit, and I think it fit well. Thanks and please review!


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